I can't read through these blog posts, they hurt too much. I fear that some of them may come across as....manical or insane. Actually I don't, but they probably do. But they all acutely describe how I felt at the time of writing. And I can't read them now because the sense of pain that each brings is.... I have these silly plans in my head. I want to come to you, at the end of the year 2012, and say I want you back. I don't like being your friend, you're a shit friend, you make no effort to communicate and never talk to me about anything other than work...even when you promise otherwise. I could probably try and talk to you more, but that is just so frustrating and I honestly don't think you deserve that much attention when you're so unwilling to give any back. By the way, working for Pete is a nightmare sometimes. Ooh, I just realised this post will eventually go live. Oh well. There's no point lying about it. He's absolutely brilliant, but sometimes...I just recieved a message from him and I have no idea at all what it is about. it says FYI, then talks about a video for 1.4. And that's it. This post got a bit distracted. I know why though. I'm forcefully stopping myself from thinking about you - each time you pop up, you get kicked out. And now it's a habit. Oops. But yes, I have these silly plans. It's basically me rocking up and saying this is what i've done this year...and it's all wonderful, but i'd trade it all to have you back. etc etc etc. Something occurred to me though. I have all these plans for this year...things like buy a house. Start up my car company. Own the cars I love. Start my own consultancy company. Buy a boat (!!). Get a six pack. Get my degree. Get recognised as a mathematician. Get recognised as a programmer. They're all...."tinsels" of a successful life - some to a lesser degree than others. Steph knows I want to achieve most of these, knows I want to make a lot of money this year. She doesn't like that plan. Neither do I really. But I can't find another way to deal with missing you. Furthermore, each of these things....the overall reason for them is to impress you. It's so pathetic. It's as if I think that buying a house will convince you to love me again.And just like I've formed a habit of not thinking about you, I've formed a habit of pretending to do things for other reasons. "I want a 6-pack so that girls will actually look me" when in fact, I want a 6-pack because I know you'd love it and then maybe you'd look at me. You really fuck me up. And yet....all I want is you. I'm lonely cause I don't get to spend much time with friends. But i'd lose all my friends if it meant I could have you. I really hate that, but I shouldn't, because it's part of who I am. All I want, the thing that would make me happiest in this life... is you.

Letter 4 12:14 on Tuesday the 31st of January

You're such a fucking whore.

I've just got off a call with you in regards to work. How you ever plan to work for anyone I do not know.
You're abrasive, arrogant, insulting, demeaning, egocentric.
You believe you're entitled to the best of everything simply for being you, and you throw tantrums when you don't get it.

Fuck you. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.


Because I love this about you. I love that you're THIS arrogant, this insulting.

I don't know why I do.....God, you're all over the fucking show - and I love it to bits.

To get you back I'd have to work at it, and work at it HARD. I can't simply be nice. lol. I actually have no idea how to get you back.

And because of that, no one else is anywhere near as interesting.

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

I honestly thought I was getting over you. Yeah, I can't sleep some nights and I have to stop myself thinking about you else I'll start crying. But I expected that.

What I didn't expect was to find everyone else BORING AS HELL. you're such a little firework, it's hilarious.

Sometimes I wind you up just to see you explode. I also know I'm the only one that can calm you down - if you'd let me. which you won't.

So FUCK YOU. I love you, and it's all your fucking fault.

letter 3 January 1st 2012 20:30

Happy New Year....again :)

It was a good time out last night....though in truth I really missed you. I like dancing with you, enjoying myself with you. With other people, I find their conversations to be so boring, I don't want to spend time talking, and then it gets awkward, but with you, the silences are mutual and the talk is always interesting - And the dancing is always exciting :P

I missed not doing it much last year. I don't quite know why we stopped...too tired I think, and when we weren't drinking we didn't seem to have much fun. I don't know. I do miss it though.

I think this year should (for me) be about challenging my comfort zones. People are always saying you should push out of your comfort zone, but I think that's a load of crap - sometimes, your comfort zones appear because that's where you work best. But I do think it's a good idea to check those boundary layers-sometimes you're in that space because you're too scared of what's beyond it. So that's what I'm going to do this year. Do the things I've always said "one day" about (as far as I can). Actually try and talk to girls in clubs. Make my company work. Meet up with a group of mountain bikers and go riding regularly. Do more ice skating. start ball room dancing. get in touch with more mathematicians.

Why am I telling you all this in a letter that I'm classifying as a love letter? Well...I think it's something you need to do to, to challenge yourself, to become the best person you are. I could tell you that as your friend, but I think you'll take it the same way you take most things I tell you :). So all I can do is hope, that by the time you've read this letter, you will have challenged yourself, you will be becoming the best you can be, you will finally be happy with you are.

That is the one thing I'm going to try and subtly (I'm not very good at subtle things) to help you with, becoming happy with who you are...I really hope that you do.

xxx

Letter 2 December 28 12:50

It's ridiculous how you send me one message, just one, that has nothing to do with anything other than work, and yet, by sending it, you tell me you still want to be friends, and my heart lightens. It's so. fucking. ridiculous. How is that fair? or even possible?

In truth I think I know. Loving you is awesome and wonderful and delightful and and and...but it would all be for nothing if we couldn't have that friendship we have. Our relationship started with friendship - actually, it started with waiting, for about 3 weeks. and it ended with waiting...also for three weeks. if it starts up again, which it will have if you're reading this, I wonder how long I will have waited for you... - and that's no surprise. Math is always something we shall share.

 Someone asked me the other day how I feel about you (I think it was steph)  and I answered that I wouldn't want anyone other than you, because of the stupid little things like going to a math meeting with you...That means so much to me. I really enjoyed going to those colloquims, having my brain blasted apart and knowing yours was coping a little bit better, and coming out of them and being able to talk about and discuss the ideas in them...There is no one else I can do that with. Yes, there are other people that love math as much as you and I, but I don't know if any of them think on the same level as you and I. I never want to lose that.

I love you this much, where much is defined as:
$\text{much} := [\forall x \in \mathbb{R},  \exists \epsilon>0 |  |x-p|>\epsilon \text{ for some p}]$

Letter 1 28 Dec 2011 00:44

I love looking through all our photos of the times we’ve had. You’re so exquisitely beautiful, and you have so much character in your face and smile. Your eyes light up every photo, it’s truly gorgeous.

And yet our photos tell a story…Maybe I haven’t uploaded all our latest photos, but there are clumps of photo’s in time – we have photo’s from throughout the year, but they’re pretty much focused on the months of December-March. This makes sense as this is when we did the most. But what about the rest of the year?

I think this is part of what you’ve mentioned to be the problem. That we don’t do anything anymore…and I really can’t figure out why this is. We both wanted to go out and do things, but we never did.

All I can think is it was a combination of a lack of money and time – I had no money, you had no time. It’s definitely not fair to say it was just one of us that is to blame for this - it’s both our faults.

We enjoy getting out and doing stuff. Or at least I do. I no longer know if you do actually, which is quite a sad realisation – do you still want to do things you enjoy? I don’t know.

But I know there are things I want to do with you – not with someone else, but with you. Why? I don’t know.

I want to take you on a cruise like I did last week. You will love it, that much I do know. It was so breath-takingly beautiful out there, and sitting on the top deck….

above you are trillions of stars. You can try counting them, but you become so overawed by their beauty you cannot help but stop and just stare. They take your thoughts away and make you feel insignificantly privileged to view something so terrific. The boat is rocking beneath you gently, a soft splash sounding from the waves kissing the shore in the distance, the combination lulling you to a doze as your ears and eyes are caressed with beauty. Your skin though is tingling in the fresh, cold air, and you’re shivering slightly, which is when the arms around you are so appreciated. Just to sit there in relative warmth in their arms as the shore sighs and the stars twirl and the boat sways and that’s what is so special about it.

But that’s just one thing I want to do with you. You said you wanted to go to the zoo and we never had a chance – and I was really looking forward to taking you. To walking around the enclosures and seeing the smile on your face, and that gentle look in your eyes when you see something that truly touches your heart, like when you’re around horses. Your whole body and face soften, and your entire being focuses on them, communicating in a way I never can. I love animals, but the connections you have with them brings tears to my eyes.

  Did you know that Chocolat no longer gives me the same attention since you broke up with me? Perhaps she can sense how I feel, but I think it’s more a case of you no longer being a part of me.
Then there were the rose gardens. I’ve been there frequently, we’ve been there twice, but you never really got the chance to see the roses or to relax in the garden. I know you want to do that, so I’d love to take you to it, let you enjoy it.
Along with that I want to take you to the museum. I’ve been, and in truth it’s a lot of fun going. So we should go there and have fun. You can really enjoy the attractions they have, and be in awe of what they do there…some of the exhibits steal your voice, and you walk around with your mouth open with a long low “wow” sound coming out.

And then there are beach related things. I want to take you up to the dunes near woodhill. Take a picnic blanket and have a meal sitting on the dunes, in the quiet, gazing out on the beautiful western sea. We’d get to see a truly spectacular sunset if we were up there for that time. It’s such  a deserted place – almost like 90 mile beach – and yet so friendly.

I also want to just have a picnic dinner with you, late at night, on the beach, and then cuddle up and just talk. I’ve done this with a friend(except for the cuddling) and though she cried almost all the time (she’d just broken up with her boyfriend) it was a lovely time, and I kept thinking how much I’d love to do it with you. I really don’t know why I never did. I think I was waiting for a special time, or else for you to stop being so busy.

There are a lot of things I want to do with you still. And I sincerely hope I can do them with you, because you’ve really taken root in my heart. Without a doubt, nothing else matters as much to me as you do, I don’t want anyone other than you. And I want you back. And so this is the first letter. There will be more. And I hope with all that I am that at some point I’ll be able to kiss you again, and hold you again, and have you as mine again, and be in love WITH you again.

  At that point in time, I’ll give you these letters.

I love you without limit.