I can't read through these blog posts, they hurt too much. I fear that some of them may come across as....manical or insane. Actually I don't, but they probably do. But they all acutely describe how I felt at the time of writing. And I can't read them now because the sense of pain that each brings is.... I have these silly plans in my head. I want to come to you, at the end of the year 2012, and say I want you back. I don't like being your friend, you're a shit friend, you make no effort to communicate and never talk to me about anything other than work...even when you promise otherwise. I could probably try and talk to you more, but that is just so frustrating and I honestly don't think you deserve that much attention when you're so unwilling to give any back. By the way, working for Pete is a nightmare sometimes. Ooh, I just realised this post will eventually go live. Oh well. There's no point lying about it. He's absolutely brilliant, but sometimes...I just recieved a message from him and I have no idea at all what it is about. it says FYI, then talks about a video for 1.4. And that's it. This post got a bit distracted. I know why though. I'm forcefully stopping myself from thinking about you - each time you pop up, you get kicked out. And now it's a habit. Oops. But yes, I have these silly plans. It's basically me rocking up and saying this is what i've done this year...and it's all wonderful, but i'd trade it all to have you back. etc etc etc. Something occurred to me though. I have all these plans for this year...things like buy a house. Start up my car company. Own the cars I love. Start my own consultancy company. Buy a boat (!!). Get a six pack. Get my degree. Get recognised as a mathematician. Get recognised as a programmer. They're all...."tinsels" of a successful life - some to a lesser degree than others. Steph knows I want to achieve most of these, knows I want to make a lot of money this year. She doesn't like that plan. Neither do I really. But I can't find another way to deal with missing you. Furthermore, each of these things....the overall reason for them is to impress you. It's so pathetic. It's as if I think that buying a house will convince you to love me again.And just like I've formed a habit of not thinking about you, I've formed a habit of pretending to do things for other reasons. "I want a 6-pack so that girls will actually look me" when in fact, I want a 6-pack because I know you'd love it and then maybe you'd look at me. You really fuck me up. And yet....all I want is you. I'm lonely cause I don't get to spend much time with friends. But i'd lose all my friends if it meant I could have you. I really hate that, but I shouldn't, because it's part of who I am. All I want, the thing that would make me happiest in this life... is you.