I can't read through these blog posts, they hurt too much. I fear that some of them may come across as....manical or insane. Actually I don't, but they probably do. But they all acutely describe how I felt at the time of writing. And I can't read them now because the sense of pain that each brings is.... I have these silly plans in my head. I want to come to you, at the end of the year 2012, and say I want you back. I don't like being your friend, you're a shit friend, you make no effort to communicate and never talk to me about anything other than work...even when you promise otherwise. I could probably try and talk to you more, but that is just so frustrating and I honestly don't think you deserve that much attention when you're so unwilling to give any back. By the way, working for Pete is a nightmare sometimes. Ooh, I just realised this post will eventually go live. Oh well. There's no point lying about it. He's absolutely brilliant, but sometimes...I just recieved a message from him and I have no idea at all what it is about. it says FYI, then talks about a video for 1.4. And that's it. This post got a bit distracted. I know why though. I'm forcefully stopping myself from thinking about you - each time you pop up, you get kicked out. And now it's a habit. Oops. But yes, I have these silly plans. It's basically me rocking up and saying this is what i've done this year...and it's all wonderful, but i'd trade it all to have you back. etc etc etc. Something occurred to me though. I have all these plans for this year...things like buy a house. Start up my car company. Own the cars I love. Start my own consultancy company. Buy a boat (!!). Get a six pack. Get my degree. Get recognised as a mathematician. Get recognised as a programmer. They're all...."tinsels" of a successful life - some to a lesser degree than others. Steph knows I want to achieve most of these, knows I want to make a lot of money this year. She doesn't like that plan. Neither do I really. But I can't find another way to deal with missing you. Furthermore, each of these things....the overall reason for them is to impress you. It's so pathetic. It's as if I think that buying a house will convince you to love me again.And just like I've formed a habit of not thinking about you, I've formed a habit of pretending to do things for other reasons. "I want a 6-pack so that girls will actually look me" when in fact, I want a 6-pack because I know you'd love it and then maybe you'd look at me. You really fuck me up. And yet....all I want is you. I'm lonely cause I don't get to spend much time with friends. But i'd lose all my friends if it meant I could have you. I really hate that, but I shouldn't, because it's part of who I am. All I want, the thing that would make me happiest in this life... is you.

Letter 4 12:14 on Tuesday the 31st of January

You're such a fucking whore.

I've just got off a call with you in regards to work. How you ever plan to work for anyone I do not know.
You're abrasive, arrogant, insulting, demeaning, egocentric.
You believe you're entitled to the best of everything simply for being you, and you throw tantrums when you don't get it.

Fuck you. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.


Because I love this about you. I love that you're THIS arrogant, this insulting.

I don't know why I do.....God, you're all over the fucking show - and I love it to bits.

To get you back I'd have to work at it, and work at it HARD. I can't simply be nice. lol. I actually have no idea how to get you back.

And because of that, no one else is anywhere near as interesting.

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

I honestly thought I was getting over you. Yeah, I can't sleep some nights and I have to stop myself thinking about you else I'll start crying. But I expected that.

What I didn't expect was to find everyone else BORING AS HELL. you're such a little firework, it's hilarious.

Sometimes I wind you up just to see you explode. I also know I'm the only one that can calm you down - if you'd let me. which you won't.

So FUCK YOU. I love you, and it's all your fucking fault.

letter 3 January 1st 2012 20:30

Happy New Year....again :)

It was a good time out last night....though in truth I really missed you. I like dancing with you, enjoying myself with you. With other people, I find their conversations to be so boring, I don't want to spend time talking, and then it gets awkward, but with you, the silences are mutual and the talk is always interesting - And the dancing is always exciting :P

I missed not doing it much last year. I don't quite know why we stopped...too tired I think, and when we weren't drinking we didn't seem to have much fun. I don't know. I do miss it though.

I think this year should (for me) be about challenging my comfort zones. People are always saying you should push out of your comfort zone, but I think that's a load of crap - sometimes, your comfort zones appear because that's where you work best. But I do think it's a good idea to check those boundary layers-sometimes you're in that space because you're too scared of what's beyond it. So that's what I'm going to do this year. Do the things I've always said "one day" about (as far as I can). Actually try and talk to girls in clubs. Make my company work. Meet up with a group of mountain bikers and go riding regularly. Do more ice skating. start ball room dancing. get in touch with more mathematicians.

Why am I telling you all this in a letter that I'm classifying as a love letter? Well...I think it's something you need to do to, to challenge yourself, to become the best person you are. I could tell you that as your friend, but I think you'll take it the same way you take most things I tell you :). So all I can do is hope, that by the time you've read this letter, you will have challenged yourself, you will be becoming the best you can be, you will finally be happy with you are.

That is the one thing I'm going to try and subtly (I'm not very good at subtle things) to help you with, becoming happy with who you are...I really hope that you do.

xxx